May 1, 2009

Aaron has the Swine Flu!

Sunday night I was well into Operation: Feeling Like Shit. But, was really trying to tough it out.

Walk it off, kid. Walk it off.

I went out for a nice Indian dinner at the amazing Indian place near my apartment called Seva ($12 prix fixe!) with Attiya.

It was BYOB, and we could both use a B, so I hopped next door to the bodega/deli to grab a deucedeuce of Kingfisher. As I leave, my eyes lock on the Daily News cover “SWINE FLU FOUND IN QUEENS SCHOOL”. Hmm, that’s odd, I live in Queens too and I’m not feeling so hot….Nahhh, no way. Back to my tikka masala.

Monday morning – Swine flu hysteria all over the news. A guy at Ernst and Young has it. Schools are closing. People are freaking out. I realize it’s fearmongering media hype, but can’t help but buy just a little stock in it seeing as I have ALL of the symptoms. Fever: Check. Congestion: Check. Headache: Check. Sore Throat: Double-check in bold and highlighted.

Monday night at Midnight I find myself walking to Mt. Sinai hospital. Just in case, I tell myself. The receptionist gives me one of those I’m-freaking-contagious-get-away-masks that I put on, slightly embarrassed.

After staring at Fox News pundits in the waiting room for two hours (is this what waterboarding feels like?), I’m finally face to masked-face with the doctor, who reminded me a little too much of the Doctor Hibbert from the Simpsons.

“I’ll bet you think you’ve got the Swine Flu like everyone else, dontcha?”

“No.” I said quickly. “Well, I mean, I’ve got all the symptoms, but I don’t…”

“A bunch of media hype. Have you been to Mexico lately?” He said, slightly interrupting me.

“No.”

“Know anyone that has?”

“yes!” I said. “I know TWO people who just got back from Mexico” In a strange tone like I was trying to prove to him that I actually did have a reason to be wearing this ridiculous mask.

“Okay. Did they go to Mexico city and are they sick?”

“Umm…no”

He then skeptically stethoscopes my chest and flashlights my throat.

“You don’t have the Swine Flu son.” I wanted to say ‘I know!’ but I’m sitting in the ER at 2:30am with a mask on my face, so I let the defense rest. “I’m going to prescribe you an anti-biotic for your throat and that should take care of the Bronchitis, Laryngitis or whatever it is you have”.

“Thanks doc” (How very scientific of you).

So, I don’t have swine flu and am feeling like a million pesos.

Oink!